Strongman Life: Kilted Wisdom

May 31, 2015

 Although it happens way less often than it used to, occasionally some twat or other decides to try offering me lifting advice.  My buddy Phil Brown used to tell me I was too polite with these people and he was probably right.  Still, every now and then, I just can’t help myself.  The following was one of those times…


Mind you, I’m never quite as rude as I really want to be.  What I wanted to say was this:  “Did they give you tips on how to take large objects anally in your certification class?  Because that will come in handy if you bother me again and I shove this log up your ass.”


The scene:  I’m working on log presses at the gym.  With my own log…that I carried in.  

Twat:  “You know, I am a crossfit certified strongman trainer.  I could help you get better at that.”

Me:  “Oh, that’s nice.” <I proceed onto my next set, hoping in vain that he will go away.>

Twat:  “See, your clean is all wrong man.” <Goes into an explanation of how to clean a log completely the wrong way.>

Me:  “So, how many sanctioned strongman contests have you won?”

Twat:  <Looking as if he just stepped in something unpleasant.> “Oh, I’ve never actually competed in a strongman contest.”

Me:  “Well, if you ever use that technique in a contest and dominate the log press, come talk to me. Just between us, I suspect I’ll be waiting a very long time, though.”


This isn’t a knock on crossfit, their certifications, or even certifications in general.  This is all about morons who take a test, get a piece of paper, and somehow think they are an expert on a sport in which they have never, ever competed.  Maybe it works for convincing the soccer moms at the gym you’re God’s gift to lifting (more on that particular subject another time), but for those of us who actually DO compete in this sport, you’re a buffoon.  Oh, but you have a degree, too?  Swell.  You’re still a twat until you’ve been on the front lines for a while and earned the right to teach others through your own blood, sweat, and tears.   


There is an old quote that says the most dangerous people in the world are the people who don’t know that they don’t know but think they know.  The world has enough self-important douchebags who choose to act as if they know more than everyone else, don’t add to their numbers.  The sooner you realize you don’t know shit, the sooner you’ll make this world a better place.


Random thought:  The most awesome deadlift I have ever seen is another one few other people have seen.  Don’t get me wrong, Eddie Hall’s pull was sick.  And Big Z’s record pull at the Arnold two years ago was iconic. Nod to both side judges, then nod to the crowd, then put it down.  THAT is how you make a statement pull!  But all that aside, back in 2003 at the Ohio State Fair in a push/pull meet sanctioned by the now defunct Son Light Power federation is where I saw the pull that will stick in my mind forever.  A 70 year old man, one year off of a triple bypass, waves off his 3rd attempt and says “You only live once! Fuck it, I want 500!”  It was a grinder of a pull, but when he locked it out, the place went NUTS!  That is STILL the most bad ass pull I have ever seen.    


Useful advice:  Karma is a bitch.  Backstage at the Arnold a few years ago, one of the competitors asks my buddy Dale if he could put some heat rub on for him.  Dale agrees and the athlete promptly drops his shorts and turns around so Dale could get to his upper glutes and lower back.  Dale was not amused, but I sure as hell was.  I busted his chops about that for the whole next year.  So naturally, the next year, one of the athletes asks me to do the same thing.  I was not amused…but Dale sure as hell was…



          - Chris is a strongman promoter and passable masters competitor, having spent his formative years training with Steve Slater.  Chris was voted "Whitest Man in South Columbus" for three straight years and was recently named in an injury lawsuit by several Greenpeace volunteers who suffered multiple contusions after trying to drag Chris back into the ocean after he laid down on the beach.  

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